The very best of Fifty Shades Darker
Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson star in Fifty Shades Darker, E L James' new book adaptation – for iron-clad contractual reasons, presumably
By the time it ends, the leader of the free world will still be a man whose favourite word is ‘bing’. But how could it have been otherwise when the 2010s kicked off with Fifty Shades of Grey?
It’s always been clear that author E L James has an anti-talent for words. It’s not that she can’t use them – more that she’s twisting them into frightening new shapes. Her sentences hurt to read, and yet people read them, thereby enacting the masochistic themes of her novels. Perhaps. Only one way to find out. Upon the UK release of film sequel Fifty Shades Darker (starring Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan), we flicked through the novel on which it’s based.
Like Fifty Shades of Grey, it follows the BDSM relationship of doe-eyed doormat Anastasia Steele and spank-happy business magnate Christian Grey. There’s some plot about Christian’s stalker ex-girlfriend and Anastasia’s creepy boss, but it’s almost impossible to concentrate on the story when James has a distracting knack for unintentionally funny imagery. Here are our favourite parts of Fifty Shades Darker.
'“I think we’ll eat later,” he says. “Put the chicken in the fridge.” This is not sentence I had ever expected to hear from Christian Grey, and only he can make it sound hot, really hot.'
If Jamie Dornan can make this line sound hot, really hot, then he deserves the Oscars. All of them.
‘Everything south of my waistline clenches’
Leg cramp often occurs after you’ve been lying in a funny position for a while. Apply a warm, damp towel to your feet and it should clear right up.
Every time Christian twitches
Christian’s mouth is always ‘twitching into a smile’. Sometimes his eyebrows and palms twitch too. He comes across as a very erratic, nervous individual, with none of the composure you’d expect from a well-endowed billionaire. Perhaps being swaddled in E L James’ toxic prose is putting him into anaphylactic shock?
‘He smells of linen, fabric softener, body wash, and my favourite smell – Christian’
We know that Christian is his given name, but this sentence still makes Anastasia sound like a hungry ogre. FEE FI FO FUM!
‘Christian opens his mouth then closes it again and scowls at me. I glare at him… we glower at each other’
It’s common misconception that Fifty Shades of Grey started out as Twilight fan fiction. It was, in fact, inspired by The Twits, Roald Dahl’s story about two elderly curmudgeons who hate each other.
‘His mouth drops open, and now his amusement his obvious. He strokes his chin thoughtfully’
It can’t be easy to look thoughtful when your mouth’s open; even harder when you’re gormlessly fumbling at your hanging jaw. But Christian Grey is a man with peculiar talents. Very peculiar.
‘He thinks he doesn’t deserve to be loved. Why does he feel that way? Does it have to do with his upbringing? His birth mom, the crack whore?’
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA what? The... who? ...Why? Must read Fifty Shades of Grey!
Every time Anastasia calls Christian ‘Fifty’
‘Fifty’, or ‘Fiddy’, is the preferred appellation of rapper Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson, one-time member of popular ’00s hip-hop group G-Unit. NB: Anastasia doesn’t call her boyfriend ‘Shades’, ‘Of’, or even ‘Grey’. Is she hankering after the love of a certain multi-platinum recording artist? Is she a secret fan of ‘P.I.M.P’? Watch Fifty Shades Darker this Valentine's Day to find out!