No matter how thick his chest hair gets, or how shiny his biceps, or how windswept his bouncy brown mop becomes in the Cornish gales, you are not allowed to spend any more time fawning over that sweaty, rock-hard body. Why? Because he forced himself on his lover last year, ladies. And we do not fancy rapists.
So, now that we're not allowed to get all giggly at the sight of Aidan Turner in a cornfield, should you even bother watching the show? Surprisingly, yes.
It's possible no one has ever noticed before, but behind Ross' dark blue chin stubble and large, troubled eyes (stop it), there's a storyline that's been going on for ages, apparently. And, most importantly of all, a cast of new men, ready and waiting to be crowned as the new 'hottest man in Poldark.'
But who deserves our shy blushes and heavy, corset-stretching sighs? Here are the candidates:
George Warleggan: 2/10
We're starting off with a very low bar here, Mr Warleggan is obviously among the worst Cornwall has to offer. Rude, slimy, conniving... you name it, and the poor guy doesn't even have a nice bod to recommend himself with. Strong sideburns are the only good thing he has going, and that just won't do. Nope, we can't fancy him.
Drake Carne 6/10
Awwwww! Isn't he cute? Demelza's brother is all natural charm and cheeky-chappy smiles. And this series we get to see him being soppy with Morwenna, making her bracelets and being utterly lovely. But... well... he is a bit too much like a younger brother to get our pulse racing. Remember when he emerged from a trough of water half-dressed and Prudie asked him to help her satisfy her 'needs'? There was nothing erotic about that. Funny, definitely, but not erotic.
Ray Penvenan 4/10
Sigh. There are officially not enough men Poldark. Poor old Ray was a million years old before he was summoned to the inevitable, and even alive he was hardly a hunk. But, you know, he's got good intentions, even in trying to keep Caroline away from her One True Love, and he's got a kindly disposition and... oh who am I kidding? Sorry Ray, but no thank you.
Dwight Enys 7/10
That's a bit more like it! A brave sailor, a brilliant doctor and a socially conscious mega-star caring for villagers from the stratospheric social heights of Elizabeth Warleggan, to miners crushed under fallen debris. We're big fans. And yet... there's something lacking. He isn't urgent and sexual like Ross used to be (before the rape). We need someone mysterious, gorgeous... someone a bit unknown. Wait, we know just the fella...
Sam Carne 8/10
Demelza's other brother Sam is, so far, a bit of a mystery. All we really know is he's the silent missionary type, but he might well do. If only he would come out of his shell a bit, perhaps pray a little less often. Give us a smile. Just look how beautiful he is standing there. I bet that brown mop of hair could go all bouncy in the Cornish wind. We need this man, topless and in a cornfield, as a matter of urgency.
|What||He's still a rapist: Poldark is back and there are some new men in town|
BBC One | MAP
11 Jun 17 – 31 Jul 17, Poldark airs on BBC One Sunday 9pm