You’re not going to watch Ben-Hur. That’s not a threat or a dare – it’s just true. You’re not going to pay money at a cinema to see this film. You’re a compos mentis adult and you’re going to continue with whatever you were doing and let Ben-Hur fritter away at the periphery of your life. Well done you.

That said, we’ve already seen it and there’s space to fill below, so let’s list the good things about Ben-Hur. No one wants to feel like they’ve wasted their time.

1. Jack Huston plays Judah Ben-Hur, a Jewish nobleman living in turn-of-the-millenium Jerusalem. Judah Poldarks the hell out of whatever collarless shirt he’s wearing, so feel free to Google that. You’re welcome!

2. There’s a big sea-battle that’s nicely bonkers in a Mad Max: Fury Road kind of way. After Judah is thrown into slavery, he's is forced to row in a Roman galley for five years, a stint that’s interrupted by a good old-fashioned naval battle. Beneath the sound of crashing boats there’s a soft ambient rustling as everyone in the cinema wakes up at the same time.

3. Morgan Freeman plays Sheik Ilderim, the chariot-racing merchant who discovers Judah washed up on a beach. Picking up the cheque with a disdain that has to be seen to be believed, Freeman reads his lines with almost zero inflection, and sometimes his eyes are looking in slightly different directions. His 'performance' (as a man who's been on a coach journey for fourteen hours) has the effect of making everything else in Ben-Hur seem sincere and energetic.

4. There’s a climactic chariot race that wakes everyone up again. Judah faces off against the adoptive brother who had him enslaved. It's just like the boat-battle, but with horses. It's quite entertaining. Almost a shame you won’t see it.