Who should star in the new Disney remakes?
It looks like every Disney film is going to get the Beauty and the Beast treatment – here's our advice on how they can get it right this time
Even after Enchanted showed what was ludicrous about animated musicals being transplanted to the real world, it looks like Disney is going to keep transforming childhood classics into tepid CGI-fests. We might as well embrace it.
But if our favourite childhood songs are going to be continuously sung back to us by unmelodic celebrities, they should at least be unmelodic celebrities who resemble the original animations. If it’s going to be done at all, let it be done well.
Let the casting begin. Don’t call us – we’ll call you!
For Herc himself, we picture John Boyega – the Star Wars actor has the right amount of muscle, eagerness, and naïve charm. But everyone knows the real hero of Hercules isn’t Hercules: it’s his love-interest, Meg.
Cynical and self-deprecating, with a sex-positive attitude and a voice that’s as dry as a martini and smooth as a Marlboro, Meg mocks everything around her. And whereas Belle is bullied into a romance by the Beast, Meg pre-empts contemporary attitudes to consent: ‘You know how men are. They think ‘no’ means ‘yes’ and ‘get lost’ means ‘take me, I’m yours’.’
Aubrey Plaza is the only actress with the chops for Meg. Make it happen, Disney overlords. And while you’re at it, get Robert Downey Jr. to do Hades.
Terrance Malick already did a live-action take on the Pocahontas legend, but neglected to include any songs. Why, Terry? Do you think that delicate interrogations of the colonialist mentality is better than ‘Colours of the Wind’? A remake could remedy this, as well as making more of the love triangle between John Smith, Pocahontas, and John Rolfe.
Two things are certain: the role of Pocahontas should go to a Native American actress, perhaps someone unknown; and only Chris Pine has the eyebrows, eyes, and cheekbone-to-jawbone ratio to play John Smith. Tell us we’re wrong. We dare you.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Jessica Szohr (Venessa from Gossip Girl) could make a shimmying, smokey-eyed Esmerelda, and let’s just use Chris Pine again for Captain Pheobus. But who’s going to play Quasimodo? Who’s going to make him the right mixture of lumpy and loveable?
Step up, Nicholas Hoult, a man who could still seem puppyish under three feet of prosthetics.
The Little Mermaid
Emma Stone is too sardonic, Anna Kendrick is too zany, and Lily Collins is not much of anything. NEXT!
Hailee Steinfeld, however, has perfected her bolshy teen act in True Grit and Edge of Seventeen, and we know she can sing from Pitch Perfect 2. It’s a bit of a left-field choice, but we stand by it.
Prince Eric has no discernible personality traits, so Sam Claflin should be perfect.
It had to be done. Sorry, Russell.