Recipe for success: our ideal Great British Bake Off cast
In the six years that that GBBO's been gracing our screens we've got quite used to the Mary-Paul-Sue-Mel quadruplet, and all the patriotic bunting and baking puns that accompany them. But will the sparkle, quirks and quips survive the move to Channel 4?
In the midst of such uncertainty we're turning to a pastel-hued, sugary-sweet tent of imagination to dream up our very own ideal Bake off cast - a Signature Bake of our favourite confectioners and presenter combos - and we invite you to, too.
Super cool and with a Bake-Off success already under her belt, Ruby Tandoh would push boundaries and insert a whole lotta edge into the tent. Since making her mark on the show Ruby has shown that her skills in the kitchen are equalled by a sharp wit and welcome dose of sanity. She's spoken out about the tyranny of the Clean Eating Brigade, shaved her head - it looks fantastic - and blasted "peacocking manchild" Paul Hollywood on Twitter.
Noted, such a drama renders this move a bit 'Jeremy Kyle', but hey, we woulda thought Bake Off's transfer to Channel 4 unfeasible a year ago.
We could listen to that velvety voice all day. Plus, she carries around her own seasoning. Plus, we're sick of Paul Hollywood being labelled the 'sexy' one.
No scandal can bring her down. She's like Great Britain's answer to Beyoncé. Equally encouraging is that she simply won't adhere to any of the sugar-free, dairy-free, gluten-free wish wash that the mainstream unabashedly drums into us these days. We'd rather 'get the glow' the Nigella way, thank you very much. Bring on the butter, double cream and brandy.
Restaurateur, journalist, novelist, cookery school founder...her track record is undoubtedly impressive. Plus, with the dearth of older women on screen we're just glad that Mary Berry isn't being replaced by another blow-dried, IT girl taking a whack at a cookery show, flitting between pouting and forced grins (Sophie Dahl, we're looking at you).
Nightmare Judges: Gordon Ramsay, Gillian McKeith
Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins:
Just.... Stay? Unbreak this heart?
Although, we HAVE heard whispers that Mel and Sue will be in an upcoming project with Mary Berry. So pick up those shattered dreams, pop 'em in the proving draw and await news with baited breath.
Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley:
Sweetie, darling. Although Saunders has dismissed rumours that she is lined up to replace Mel or Sue as 'complete b*******', she can't kill our dream of these two partnering up, digging out the Eddie/Patsy attire and creating some sort of Immersive Ab-Fab experience.
Champagne flutes at the ready...
She's also dismissed GBBO rumours, but she'd have been hilarious. And not in a panicked 'quick, let's try to recreate Mel and Sue's cheeky innuendos' kind of way. The energy, the conrtalto one-liners, the no-nonsense attitude, oh what could have been...
It is well-documented that Snoop is a fan of Bake-Off, with his famous shout-out to 'homegirl' Mary Berry and so on (he champions her over Paul - quite right). There's so much potential here. Previous birthday-cakes include a large, cannabis leaf-shaped Victoria Sponge and a bright blue recreation of 'Doggystyle' album cover - clearly the proof is in the pudding.
*Cue 'getting baked' and oven-related 'drop it like it's hot' jokes here.*
Nightmare Presenters: Ant and Dec (don't you dare, Channel 4), Keith Lemon, Dermot O'Leary, Claudia WInkelman etc
"And here, we have twelve bright-eyed contestants..."Just, yes. The man can do no wrong.
Nightmare Narrator: Dave Lamb (everyone's favourite cynic from Come Dine With Me. Just Imagine the stilted soggy bottom puns.)